50 Pairs of Shoes...

A friend of mine recently posted to his own blog about dealing with conflict in the workplace (or anywhere, really).  His "secret" to successful conflict resolution involves taking off your shoes (say wha?? Read it, you'll see).  After reading His blog today it made me think of how hard it can be to walk in someone else's shoes...and how surreal it has been to take a walk in my husband's.


How many time do we wish our husband or boyfriend would understand us?  Would just "listen" and not try to fix everything, or just pay attention already.  Ever thought they might want the same thing?  I've thought this before, but since we've moved again (yes, again...Hello, Omaha!  I love you!) I have been in a place of "starting over."  It's what I do.  We move, I wipe my slate clean, decided who I want to be that's better than who I was and I press forward.  My newest journey?  Learning to be a good wife.  For starters, I hate cheesy cliche Christian stuff that makes women "find their place" "beneath their husband" and old school religion that says "women can't speak/lead in the church".  I've avoided women's bible studies because they're usually cheesy and rarely involve conversation I've found useful.  And lately, all my friends are pregnant (for the last 5 years) so even bible study convo turns into cloth diapers, breast feeding, and co-sleeping.  (Sigh)


All that being said, I've picked up the most cliche sounding/looking book I could probably give myself...two of them actually...and I'm really focusing on them.  They're written for real women, in context to real life, real issues, and one talks about things most people pretend women don't have issues with.  The first is The Power of a Praying Wife.  There are 30 short chapters in this book that open a woman's eyes to the things her husband has on his plate.  At the end of each chapter is a prayer, focusing on that specific issue, and full of powerful words to bring before God, speaking for your best friend.  I've prayed for my girl friends, kids I've cared for, I prayed to FIND my husband...but once I had him, it didn't really dawn on me to pray FOR him.  And it definitely didn't dawn on me that he would appreciate it so much.  I've been reading this book in the mornings (I shoot for it daily, but that doesn't always happen),usually send a quick email to Hubbo as soon as I'm finished- to let him know what I'm praying for, and to remind him that I'm praying for him.  I have yet to get a reply of any kind that suggests he doesn't fully appreciate this new habit of mine, and today I received a reply that he needed exactly what I was praying for.


My second book, the sticky one, is Every Woman's battle.  I started this book per a friend's suggestion and I have yet to read a paragraph that doesn't make me think, "Why on earth am I just now reading about this?!"  This book is about sexual and emotional fulfillment, inside your marriage if you have one, and outside of a marriage if you don't.  It's not a "don't have sex before marriage" book or a "serve your husband, do the laundry, have dinner on the table at 6" book.  And it's also not a "be sure to be hanging by the chandelier, in your (not granny) underwear, when he gets home from work" kind of book.  It a collection of stories from real women (not the Chicken Soup stories....real stories, short ones) and their perception of marriage, their relationships, and their own journey to living a life of high(er) integrity.  The author explores the myths women live by (ever think, "Maybe my next husband will...."? or "If my husband was like _____, I know things would be different").  Don't lie to yourself.  And if you honestly haven't thought anything along those lines....watch for it, it's coming.  Promise.


So, I mentioned shoes at the beginning of this post, and I'm going somewhere with them.  Sit tight.


Before deciding on these two books I've just mentioned, I went through my stack of "Summer Reading" wish list (which is always way too big for one Summer) and decided to buy "Fifty Shades of Grey" because it seemed much more interesting that what I already had.  I had heard about the book from a few people, its been recommended by a couple, and I've heard it talked about almost everywhere I go.  I'm never first on the bandwagon of the "next best series" so I decided to grab this one WHILE everyone else is reading it so I can talk about it while everyone still cares.  (I'm pretty sure I read Twilight a little too late in the game...).  That being said, I bought the book last week, read the back of it on my own to be sure I wanted it, and recommended it to two friends, suggesting the idea of reading "together" so we can talk about it as we go through it....a long distance book club so to speak...just not so official.  


The book sat in my car for a couple days and then on my counter.  From there it went to my bookshelf, and every time I headed to the pool (at my new apartment! WOO!) I grabbed something else.  I asked my husband what he thought about me reading it and he gave his two cents (do whatever, if you get into it and don't like it, put it down...it's not for school.  Do what you want).  So one last time, I grabbed the book, actually put it in my pool bag and headed for the Sun.  I finished my current novel, Handle With Care (which was wonderful!) and sat there debating whether or not I wanted to start my newest book.  I had overheard a group of people talking about that same book on the other side of the pool.  "It's basically porn in a book", "It's intense, but it's so good", "It's naughty, but it's great!"  These are all comments I've heard about this series and that day I thought...it's right here, under my chair, practically in my back pocket.  What sets me apart from others, as woman of God, if I'm reading the same things?  What about this book gives me a better perspective on life?  Honors God ?  Helps my marriage?  Helps me grow as a person?  Sure my husband might enjoy the "side effects" of my reading...but how intimate is it really, when you're simply (attempting to) reenact a script?  How empty do I want to feel after reading a book like this and then expecting my real life sexual life to compare?  And how fair is that?  I thought a few more days about my newest questions regarding this book and even with all of that in my head, I still really wanted to read it!  Finally, I made it a couple chapters in to my other two books and saw immediate results in my marriage.  And I thought, this is going so well!  I didn't start these with intentions beyond learning to be a better wife, but on the flip side, I'm GAINING in this relationship, too.


So today, after a week of debate, justification (that wasn't so justifying), and finally deciding to put on my big girl panties (NOT granny panties...those are entirely different, I promise), I took my book back to Target.  The lady asked me if there was anything wrong with it, and I simply replied (choosing to hold my tongue), "I just won't read it and would like to exchange it for something else."  She didn't ask any other questions and happily handed me a gift card for just under $15 (Woo!  half a pair of shoes!).  I walked away feeling triumphant, and feeling that if my husband were in a similar situation...you know the ones I'm talking about, the "dark" side of the man world that most women hate.  The side that makes us think men are pigs, don't respect us, and the side that keeps them wandering away from us as we try so hard to hold our relationships together.  If my husband were to be in one of a million situations that are at his fingertips, and decide to walk away BECAUSE HE LOVES ME, I would be the happiest girl in the world.


So...about those shoes....I had a handful of "good" reasons to read the "Next Big Series", and actually had my hands on it before everyone else was over it.  But I have a better reason to walk away.  After spending years building my marriage, learning to love my husband, walking through a whole heck of a lot of crap together, and coming out stronger...I couldn't bring myself to start digging a huge hole and pretend that I wasn't.  I put myself in my husband's shoes and thought about how furious I would be, out of hurt, if he were reading a slutty novel about...whatever men can imagine to write a slutty novel about.  I would feel inadequate, I would want to know what he was reading so I would know what he was "expecting".  I would be jealous, I would be hurt, and I would question his motives (and a million other things because that's what I do).  And regardless of his answers, I wouldn't believe him and I would lose a little bit of trust, a little bit of my best friend, and a small part of myself.  Seems a little extreme, but it's as much of the truth as possible.


I can't pray for a godly husband starting at the age of 14, drag my husband to counseling because "you're kind of sucking right now", and cry that he just doesn't get it if 1.) I'm not willing to also "stop sucking at marriage" and 2.) I'm not willing to sacrifice just as much as I expect him to sacrifice.  Our marriage is not always about giving things up, but it IS always about making choices that help us grow together.


I wasn't planning to blog about this whole ordeal, but I wasn't satisfied with just returning my book.  Just after getting back to my car, I checked facebook before heading back home and saw this blog post shared by a friend.  It not only covers the book I had just taken back, but also a new movie coming out.  I won't even go there on the movie....but reading a man's perspective of Christian women running after the same things we say we devote our life to staying away from (sin, temptation) as followers of Christ, it confirmed my own convictions.  If I could spend a day with Jesus, in the flesh, would I spend it reading Shades of Gray?  Or telling Him about what I read?  I can think of a thousand other things to do instead.


I don't quite have 50 pairs of shoes (at least I don't THINK I do??), but I  love my shoes. I have shoes for every occasion I could need shoes for, in a variety of colors and heel heights.  The one thing they have in common....they're all mine.  When I took the time to try walking in my husband's shoes....I saw different things and even similar things, from a very different perspective.  My curiosity didn't matter anymore, I chose to respect what I already have instead of fantasizing about anything else.  There is a fine line between growing together and growing apart.  And if we aren't intentionally making wise choices that lead us closer to our husband....we can only be making choices that pull us away from him.  It's not all on the man to keep the relationship together.  It takes two to tango....and I'd rather tango for real with who I have, than read about someone else, and wish I had something else.


I'm not writing this to condemn anyone.  I hope to inspire others to think about why they do the things they do.  I hope to spark something in Christian woman that encourages them to stand with me, away from the crowd, and decided where we draw the line.  In my attempts to avoid a "cheesy Christian" label or lifestyle, I see the sticky path that comes from being "reachable" and "identifiable" to more than one small crowd of girls at church.  Jesus spent his time with those who needed Him most, and I want to do the same....but it doesn't mean I have to act like them.  It means I have to be MORE intentional to act like Christ.  We don't have to preach at every person we see.  If we live our lives with integrity, make wise choices, and trust God to His part....our part will be sufficient, it will be good, and it will be faithful.  That's all He asks of us.  Love Him, Love others.


"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.  Love never fails..."  1 Corinthians 13: 4-7,8


"Intimacy is seeing what is TRULY on the inside of a person (which can only be discovered face to face over long periods of time such as what you experience in marriage).  Be careful not to mistake INTENSITY or INTIMACY.  Intensity fades as the newness wears off, but intimacy continues to blossom the longer you know a person.....


"Even if you convince yourself that you would never act on the fantasies that include someone outside of your marriage, remember that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), and HIS heart breaks when yours is divided, even in only in your fantasies." 
                                                                               -Shannon Ethridge, author
                                                                                   Every Woman's Battle

Cooking With Vino!

Nichole’s Pan Seared Pork Chops with Cab-Sauv Reduction,

Hasselback Potatoes, and Dried Fruit and Nut Salad

Serves: 4-6, countertop-tabletop: about 1 hour (plus marinating time)

Ingredients for Pork Chops:

Dry Rub (see below)

1 ½ c. Lawry’s Steak ‘n’ Chop marinade (I didn’t measure, so this is approximate)

1 c. Cabernet Sauvignon (I opened a new bottle and enjoyed the rest with dinner!)

2 Tbsp EVOO (or “two turns of the pan” RR style)

Prep Pork Chops:

Before removing from packaging, sprinkle top of pork chops with marinade and press with fork so that it sticks

Prepare flat dish with about a cup of marinade (enough to cover the bottom and sides of the meat)

Place meat in desired dish for marinating, rubbed side down.  Rub the top just as before, pressing down the seasonings and top with remaining marinade.

Let sit for at least 30 minutes.  You can do this ahead of time and freeze at this point or sit overnight in the fridge…it really doesn’t matter.  I stuck it in the fridge for about an hour before cooking anything else.

Dry Rub for Pork Chops:

1 Tbsp each (I used the palm of my hand RR style….no spoons, so this is approximate)

-Kosher Salt

-Brown Sugar

-Paprika

-Black Pepper

-Oregano

-Thyme

-Rosemary

-Cayenne Pepper (mine was not hot at all, but feel free to adjust this to your own liking!)

Mix all ingredients together and pour into an empty spice jar or container of your choosing.  You will have leftovers and it’s a basic rub for red meat.  I’m on my second jar.  Love this stuff!

Preheat Oven to 450*

Ingredients for Potatoes:

4-6 Medium Potatoes (I used Russets)

½ tsp. refrigerated minced garlic (or 2 cloves fresh, minced)

2 Tbsp. butter, more if you like

Kosher Salt

Black Pepper

Prep/Cook Potatoes:

Wash potatoes and slice a tiny bit off of one side to give you a flat surface.

Flat side down, slice potatoes as you would to scallop, but without cutting through the bottom.  Each slice should be a couple mm in width

Combine butter and garlic in small dish and melt in microwave

Brush over potatoes, allowing butter to run down into crevices

Place on non-stick cookie sheet or shallow pan and sprinkle with salt and pepper

Bake at 450* for about 40 minutes (Put your pan in with the short side facing the door so you can add your pork chops later!

When potatoes are done, the edges will be crispy and the flesh soft

Cook Pork Chops:

With about 20 minutes left on the potatoes, grab the pork chops out of the fridge and let them sit about 10 minutes to adjust to room temperature.

You’ll need a pan for your pork chops, so you may want to prep that right now.  I rubbed butter on mine because it was closest to me…but use whatever you like for non-stick purposes!

With 10 minutes left on potatoes, heat a skillet and olive oil on high heat

Place only pork chops in skillet (reserve the marinade!)

Cook about 2-3 minutes per side, until browned and slightly seared (don’t focus too much on searing, just get them pretty)

Once seared, add pork chops to oven for remaining 10 minutes and don’t toss the skillet, yet!

While your oven is going, pour your reserved marinade into the pork chop abandoned skillet

Add wine and keep on high

Allow sauce to reduce during 10 minutes remaining on your oven timer.

Use a spatula during reduction to scrape any bits off of the bottom of your pan.  You don’t have to skim these out, they are fantastic in the sauce!

Dried Fruit and Nut Salad

Ingredients (all approximated…sorry, I don’t measure anything!)

Salad greens for 4-6 people (I used spring mix and about 1 ½ c. per person)

1 c. Italian shredded cheese (I don’t always put cheese in this salad, it’s wonderful either way)

About a palm-full each: (these are always in my pantry for this very salad…it’s a staple around here)

Dried cranberries

Dried pomegranate

Golden raisins

Slivered Almonds

8-10 Tbsp. Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette Salad Dressing (I actually measure this one!  But I use a “big spoon” not an actual Tbsp.  I feel healthy and naughty all at the same time!)

Toss ingredients in a bowl (with dressing!)  I like to use my Tupperware with the lid on and shake it all about.  I’m certain this makes salad taste 100x better than just topping with dressing right before I eat it!

Finish that sauce

Your reduction sauce should look a magnificent eggplant/burgundy color and be full of tiny little bubbles.  Turn off the heat, transfer the sauce to something pretty for the table (I use a white ceramic creamer pitcher) and you’re good to go. 

Ding! 

Your chops and taters are done, so is your salad!  Ask your hubby (or kids or room-mate, or whoever) to set the table and pour yourself a nice, healthy glass of wine and enjoy!

Notes:

1. Sorry I don’t measure a darn thing (except for my salad dressing!)

2. My wine of choice was 14 Hands Cabernet Sauvignon, my general rule is don’t cook with it if you won’t drink it and don’t spend more than $10 on a bottle of wine, but I think this one was closer to $15?  I would also recommend Red Truck Cab Sauv (which you can find at Target!) and it’s under $10 for sure.

3.I’m a snail in the kitchen because I love the process of cooking.  Surely, many people out there can make this meal much faster than I did.  So, like my measuring…prep to table time is completely approximated. 

Also, I need a photo for pinterest and forgot to take one of my food!  But, here's the wine...and that's just as good.

If you're a little OCD like me, you can copy and paste this into MS Word, Tahoma 11 with .5 margins and it's exactly two pages without the image.  Enjoy! 

Random Post

So it's been forever since I've blogged about anything....I'm still in school and really, not much has changed besides my job (which seems to vary by semester....so ready for a career again!)


I may or may not continue to blog here, but needed a place to post my recipe so I can pin it! (www.pinterest.com) I've had a new epiphany (surprise!) so it may redirect my blogging should I choose to return. :)


For now, look out for a fabulous dinner recipe!

minus the sunshine...

Summer is in full swing!  Well, minus the sunshine because it's been 65 and rainy this week.  YUCK!  Who has cold Summers in the midwest?!  The world is ending.  I'm sure of it.  Here's what I have going on in the coming weeks.  Countdowns galore!


*16 hours until the Sis-n-law and hubb-o come to visit
*5 days until Chicaaagggoooo!
*11 days until I'm home from Chicago with the best sistercousin in the world spending the week at my houshe!
*4 weeks until the BIFF from Colorado is at my houshe!
*9 weeks until Summer is over....(insert whammy noise here....)


The Sis-n-law:
Is coming to visit for the first time since we moved from Denver.  She's really just driving through heading home after a wedding, but a visit is a visit is a visit!  Her new hubb-o (November 2010) will be with her and they're coming in around 10:00 tonight.  Tomorrow we'll have breakfast and off they'll go.  Breakfast seems to be our thing with E and P.  The last few times hubbs and I have been home, breakfast seems to be the time we have with his sister.  I like breakfast.  And I like his sister.  So I guess it all works out just fine, huh?  :D


Chicago:
Have you used www.vrbo.com?!  It's fantastic.  Here I am using my blog as a commercial, but I don't even care!  I found a great condo just minutes from downtown for half the price of a hotel!  Two bedrooms, one bath (because the bigger ones were taken already) a fully stocked kitchen, dining room, living room, and free bikes during our stay.  How's that for home away from home?!  I have to pack my own towels for this particular property, but that's okay....I'd rather not share towels with strangers anyway...


Sistercousin:
H is staying with me and I couldn't be happier!  She's the funniest person I know and I can't spend even 10 seconds with her and not laugh.  She has the same effect on my hubb-o which makes her even better!  He and I don't always share the same likeness in people....but H is impossible to not like!  If only I could talk her into living with me forever.....


BIFF from Denver:
M is coming to visit this Summer and it's going to be her first grown up vacation out of her home state!  I'm excited for her!  Too bad I don't live somewhere a lot more awesome.  But friends are friends no matter where they stay.  This friend is staying with ME and we're gonna have a great time!  Woo!!  Bring on JULY!


The end of Summer:
Let's not talk about that one....


What is your favorite time of year?  
Who is your favorite person to spend time with?

 

let the beat rock...

So....Summer is in full swing (minus the fact the average temperature around here lately has been about 70* and rainy...booo!!!) and I have yet to get excited about returning to classes in the Fall.  Maybe next month will be the month I'm ready?  Maybe not...

I have a million things going on and coming up and I'm excited about all of it!  Here's a list long enough to make up for all my absenses (oops...did I forget to mention that I love Summer and sometimes go MIA for days on end...?)

1. I (finally) fixed the itunes glitch on my computer and loaded my *new* ipod that's been sitting on a shelf for about six months since I purchased it!  Woo! (*New* means it's 6 months old after sitting on the shelf, but also because it was older than that when I bought it since it's a refurbished cheap-o from a sketchy electronics resale shop that made me feel like a Mafia mama when I was shopping...yikes!)

2. I realized that I forget how much I love music until I sit down and actually purchase it...and then play it.

3. I realized that my Bose docking station is a million times better than my Toyota stock stereo and that if I had a Bose in my car I might be in heaven.  Come to think of it....with all the time I spend in my car I really should be able to justify making it as enjoyable as possible...!

4. My sewing room really is coming together!  Fabric swatches have been cut to fit my frames (for the gallery wall).  I need to press them, hem them and finally frame and hang them.  The dresser drawers have been washed down, pulls removed, holes puttied, new pulls purchased...knobs too, and are awaiting the weekend for sanding!  Yah-hoo!

5.  I've had company over for dinner twice in the last two weeks which means my last two weekends were enjoyed with friends...something I didn't have time for prior to Summer.  Oh and I have company coming over again next weekend.  Hello fun!  (Maybe I'll blog about menu details later....)

6. My cousin slash practically my little sister is coming to visit me in less than two weeks!!!

7.  When faux sis gets here we're headed to CHHHIIICCAAAAGOOO!!!!  First time ever and we're ridiculously excited!  I found a fantastic deal on a 2 bedroom condo just a few minutes from downtown and we'll be there for 5 days duurrring the Taste of Chicago which I have almost done somersaults in my living room for.  After Chicago, H is staying a couple days longer to hang around the homestead a while before going back to work.  I think we'll have about 7 or 8 days together when it's all said and done.  Even hubb-o is excited to see her!  She has been a favorite of his since the first time he met the fam.  Too bad she's not actually a sister....but then again, maybe that's why we're such good friends. ;)

8. My BIFF from Colorado is coming to visit at the end of Summer!  I was afraid to count down the days because it meant that right after she left I would be going back to school.  But with it getting so close (5 weeks away!) I don't even care anymore!  She hasn't visited since I moved away because she was getting married right after I left...so I traveled there for wedding stuff.  But now she's coming here and I can't wait!!!

9. I'm still Facebook sober and it's wonderful.  

10. I found a new online addiction but so far it's not as time consuming as Facebook.  If you haven't checked it out (or even heard of it) www.pinterest.com, you should right click right now and save in a new tab for viewing after you finish reading this...otherwise you'll get sucked in and you won't come back here!  It's an online idea board that allows you to post images of all sorts of web based fabulousness.  The best part is that dragging images automatically stores the source so you don't have to save links to your browser bar or your favorites...just pin the pic and you're set.  It's more amazing than it seems at first and you can browse boards without joining which makes it fun even if you don't want to create your own account and pinboards.

11. I've logged more hubb-o time, couch time and reading time than I can even begin to remember.  It's all been fabulous!

12. I'm working on my Summer reading list.  So far I'm 2 books for 2.5 weeks of Summer (based on my Summer work schedule...not my Summer break from school).  I'm starting a book tonight that I hope to finish by Sunday which will keep me on task at one book per week.  Book number one: When We Were Friends by Elizabeth Joy Arnold.  It's a great book about friendships, betrayal, and unconditional love.  Book number two: Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner.  Another great friend book, but even better than the first mentioned.  Weiner is one of my favorite authors (Wine-er, by the way, not wee-ner...poor girl) and this book literally made me laugh out loud multiple times.  The story covers the unconditional love of best friendships, but also throws in the not so possible comedy of a small town crime in the aftermath of a high school reunion.  Wonderful.  One of my favorites from Jennifer Weiner.

13.  I'm brainstorming ideas for my kitchen cabinets.  They desperately need help and I can't afford to replace them.  Paint is about all I can work with at the moment and if I weren't so comfy on my couch right now I'd go snap a picture and post it on here so you could see what I'm dealing with over here.  My wall are pine green...which I selected...and love!  My cabinets...are white, and not just white...country bumpkin beadboard and white.  Ugh.  Don't get me wrong, they're charming....but not with pine green walls and not with gold round pulls with huge white plastic circles in the middle of them.  Hello 1980-something....  Yuck.  Help!  Ideas?  New doors are out of the budget and really, I just need a paint color and I think I'll be happy.

14. I'm losing my train of thought because I'm thinking about going to bed even though it's not even 10:00.  I've had a random work schedule this week which means my 5am mornings have ceased for the time being.  That being said,  I've worked the night owl in me two nights in a row this week and if I keep going, I'll never get back into my routine after the weekend.

15. Back to books, this week's read is "The Lace Maker's of Glenmara".  I found it in the bargain bin at Borders while shopping with the girls last week.  E picked it out for me and I'm hoping my faith in her ridiculous intelligence for an 8 year old doesn't let me down!  I'll let you know how it goes when I get back on here!  No promises on a time frame because it's SUMMER!!!  And that means I live by as small of a schedule as possible! :D

Peace Out.

What are you doing this Summer?!
What did you plan for Summer that you haven't started yet?

if i had a million dollars

(insert falsetto echo: "If I had a million dollars...")

I've been MIA the last couple weeks and have a couple reasons why.  

1. Lack of inspiration (of course...then this dumb song popped into my head)
2. Lack of organization (of my thoughts)


On the inspiration:
This song was released sometime in the 90s and I remember hearing it during my 6th or 7th grade year (I think).  And my best friend at the time would sing it to me and just laugh and laugh.  She would talk about the fact that a green dress was a dumb thing on your list of things to buy and we contemplated the house you could actually buy for a million dollars (well...less than a million actually, after you take out money for the dress...and other things mentioned in the song that I currently can't remember).


The whole song is about the many things a man would do for his girlfriend if he had a million dollars.  And the last few days, his empty promises have been stuck in my head.  Why?  Well, because....:


So many times in my life I have thought, "If xyz were this way or that way....then abc would look like this or like that."  Okay, that's a handful of variables for one sentence...but isn't that what we do?  We imagine that if our own life was more like our ideal life, then we would be better friends, better spouses, better parents...or better to our parents (eh hem).  And we say that if things were different we would be happier, or more giving, or more fill-in-the-blank.  But I just don't think that's true.

I've been married almost 6 years and remember thinking with my husband about what we could do when we were making more money.  Guess what....we're making more money and we haven't necessarily done those things.  But it's not just money.

I think that when I'm a mom, my life will feel more complete and, maybe then, I'll finally reconcile with my own mother.

I think that when I have my degree, life will be full and I'll feel more valuable to my husband and myself.

I think that when I stop working for other people in their homes, that I'll be more respected and not treated like (or feel like) "the help" when I pick up or tend to another woman's child.

I think that I fill my mind with ridiculous excuses to not live a happy, full, respectable life now.  And I don't even do it on purpose.

I KNOW that I'm valuable now, that I'm happy now, and that life won't better because I add more "things" to it.  I won't say it won't be more complete without children because I believe that to my core...but I admit it may not be as true as I want it to be.  Because as amazing as they are, and as happy as I will be to finally, one day, have my own family...I can't expect them to fill a hole in my life...not past the extend of simply being my own family.

Am I making sense?

We put things off.  Our dreams, our hopes, our happiness...because we think we need something else to make it possible.  But the reality is this: either we are scared, or hopeless.  Either we know it can be done, but don't really want to experience it badly enough to just go for it (and go through it)....or we don't really think it's possible.


But all things are possible:

Jesus said, "If?  There are no 'ifs' among believers.  Anything can happen." 

                                 Mark 9:23 the message

So when we want something for ourselves, or for someone else...there are not "if"s.  Either we want it and we do it.  Or we pretend to want it and we don't do a darn thing.  Which will you choose for your own circumstance?  Do you really want a change in your life?  Or do you just like to complain about it?  This is my life.  I can take it and run with it and do exactly what I want with it...or I can sit around and watch it evolve on it's own and throw hysterical fits when it doesn't do what I want it to.

d

disclaimer: this is not the original music video because I couldn't find it, but it works.

On the lack of organization:

I started this blog as a process of personal expression, healing, and discovery.  Through my writing, I learn more about myself, my circumstances, and the people around me.  

 Like a lot of people, refection through writing gives me a sense of balance and calm.  I hoped to find that calm, in writing online, so that others may sense a similar felling through my own experiences.

That being said, I have a million things to share (with the world and with myself) but don't have the slightest clue how to get where I want to be from where I am in this little tiny blogspot on the ever-expansive world wide web. 

I have a story.  A big one.  Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's incredibly happy...and I want to share it.  The problem?  Well...it's mine.  So it's personal and it's intimate and it's emotional.  And while sharing all of it was (and still is) my goal in blogging...and someday in writing a book (or seven...) it's hard to get started (thus the million dollars) and difficult to put in words for someone else to read and understand.  And I don't want to be judged.  I think that's the bottom line.  I put on a big girl front, but no one likes to feel negative feelings.

In addition to starting this blog to share my life, I intended on keeping it positive and encouraging to myself and to my readers.  But the truth is, sometimes life just sucks and there's nothing positive or encouraging about situations when you're right in the middle of them!  So....while I can try shedding light on some very dark history, I refuse to be a black hole in the online universe.  Hopefully I figure it out soon.  I'm anxious to get back on here and what has been holding me back is the fact that it's time to move on.  

My blog is up and running....time to take it where I intended....or get off the track.

Hopefully I'll be back soon!  (Like tomorrow?)

What are you holding onto in your life?  What needs to be done that you're putting off until you "have a million dollars"?

 

short and sweet...

...and to the point!

Best.  Birthday.  Weekend.  Ever!  The BIFF and I had a fantastic time, celebrated kind of a lot and spent all day of my birthday sleeping!  The first day of being almost old was spent sleeping....way to mark a new year.  I can't complain about being tired for at least a week! ;)

The girls I nanny for gave me the sweetest home made birthday cards!  One was full of wishes that I stay forever and ever (she's 7) while the other's was a thank you for being her best friend and always being there for her (she's 12).  I couldn't have asked for kinder words from little kids and will treasure these cards forever!

After work I came home to hubb-o surprised to see me so early and a little bummed that I caught him in the middle of something.  He was working on a surprise for me that he wanted a little more organized before I walked in.  But, I neglected to tell him I was coming home early....because he neglected to tell me HE was going to be home early!

The surprise?....Are you ready for it?.....He painted the baby room for me!!!  At least since Wednesday (when I had a contractor come bid a bunch of work for the house, including that room), he was planning to do it while I was gone.  He confirmed the paint color without my catching on, picked up the primer and the color and did the whole thing while I was away celebrating without him because he couldn't make it this weekend.  Yay for sweet sweet birthday surprises!  My sewing room is now officially underway!

Oddly enough, I stopped at Target today and randomly decided to purchase the last of my photo frames for the gallery wall I'm putting in that room.  I thought, "who knows when we'll actually get stuff done this summer, but at least I will have them all purchased..."  Can you imagine my excitement to come home to a painted sewing room?!  NO MORE BABY NURSERY!!!!

Time to study.  Three more finals and then I'm finished with school for the summer!  Wooo!  Two more days to go.  I can do this.  (big breath).  Here I go.