A friend of mine recently posted to his own blog about dealing with conflict in the workplace (or anywhere, really). His "secret" to successful conflict resolution involves taking off your shoes (say wha?? Read it, you'll see). After reading His blog today it made me think of how hard it can be to walk in someone else's shoes...and how surreal it has been to take a walk in my husband's.
How many time do we wish our husband or boyfriend would understand us? Would just "listen" and not try to fix everything, or just pay attention already. Ever thought they might want the same thing? I've thought this before, but since we've moved again (yes, again...Hello, Omaha! I love you!) I have been in a place of "starting over." It's what I do. We move, I wipe my slate clean, decided who I want to be that's better than who I was and I press forward. My newest journey? Learning to be a good wife. For starters, I hate cheesy cliche Christian stuff that makes women "find their place" "beneath their husband" and old school religion that says "women can't speak/lead in the church". I've avoided women's bible studies because they're usually cheesy and rarely involve conversation I've found useful. And lately, all my friends are pregnant (for the last 5 years) so even bible study convo turns into cloth diapers, breast feeding, and co-sleeping. (Sigh)
All that being said, I've picked up the most cliche sounding/looking book I could probably give myself...two of them actually...and I'm really focusing on them. They're written for real women, in context to real life, real issues, and one talks about things most people pretend women don't have issues with. The first is The Power of a Praying Wife. There are 30 short chapters in this book that open a woman's eyes to the things her husband has on his plate. At the end of each chapter is a prayer, focusing on that specific issue, and full of powerful words to bring before God, speaking for your best friend. I've prayed for my girl friends, kids I've cared for, I prayed to FIND my husband...but once I had him, it didn't really dawn on me to pray FOR him. And it definitely didn't dawn on me that he would appreciate it so much. I've been reading this book in the mornings (I shoot for it daily, but that doesn't always happen),usually send a quick email to Hubbo as soon as I'm finished- to let him know what I'm praying for, and to remind him that I'm praying for him. I have yet to get a reply of any kind that suggests he doesn't fully appreciate this new habit of mine, and today I received a reply that he needed exactly what I was praying for.
My second book, the sticky one, is Every Woman's battle. I started this book per a friend's suggestion and I have yet to read a paragraph that doesn't make me think, "Why on earth am I just now reading about this?!" This book is about sexual and emotional fulfillment, inside your marriage if you have one, and outside of a marriage if you don't. It's not a "don't have sex before marriage" book or a "serve your husband, do the laundry, have dinner on the table at 6" book. And it's also not a "be sure to be hanging by the chandelier, in your (not granny) underwear, when he gets home from work" kind of book. It a collection of stories from real women (not the Chicken Soup stories....real stories, short ones) and their perception of marriage, their relationships, and their own journey to living a life of high(er) integrity. The author explores the myths women live by (ever think, "Maybe my next husband will...."? or "If my husband was like _____, I know things would be different"). Don't lie to yourself. And if you honestly haven't thought anything along those lines....watch for it, it's coming. Promise.
So, I mentioned shoes at the beginning of this post, and I'm going somewhere with them. Sit tight.
Before deciding on these two books I've just mentioned, I went through my stack of "Summer Reading" wish list (which is always way too big for one Summer) and decided to buy "Fifty Shades of Grey" because it seemed much more interesting that what I already had. I had heard about the book from a few people, its been recommended by a couple, and I've heard it talked about almost everywhere I go. I'm never first on the bandwagon of the "next best series" so I decided to grab this one WHILE everyone else is reading it so I can talk about it while everyone still cares. (I'm pretty sure I read Twilight a little too late in the game...). That being said, I bought the book last week, read the back of it on my own to be sure I wanted it, and recommended it to two friends, suggesting the idea of reading "together" so we can talk about it as we go through it....a long distance book club so to speak...just not so official.
The book sat in my car for a couple days and then on my counter. From there it went to my bookshelf, and every time I headed to the pool (at my new apartment! WOO!) I grabbed something else. I asked my husband what he thought about me reading it and he gave his two cents (do whatever, if you get into it and don't like it, put it down...it's not for school. Do what you want). So one last time, I grabbed the book, actually put it in my pool bag and headed for the Sun. I finished my current novel, Handle With Care (which was wonderful!) and sat there debating whether or not I wanted to start my newest book. I had overheard a group of people talking about that same book on the other side of the pool. "It's basically porn in a book", "It's intense, but it's so good", "It's naughty, but it's great!" These are all comments I've heard about this series and that day I thought...it's right here, under my chair, practically in my back pocket. What sets me apart from others, as woman of God, if I'm reading the same things? What about this book gives me a better perspective on life? Honors God ? Helps my marriage? Helps me grow as a person? Sure my husband might enjoy the "side effects" of my reading...but how intimate is it really, when you're simply (attempting to) reenact a script? How empty do I want to feel after reading a book like this and then expecting my real life sexual life to compare? And how fair is that? I thought a few more days about my newest questions regarding this book and even with all of that in my head, I still really wanted to read it! Finally, I made it a couple chapters in to my other two books and saw immediate results in my marriage. And I thought, this is going so well! I didn't start these with intentions beyond learning to be a better wife, but on the flip side, I'm GAINING in this relationship, too.
So today, after a week of debate, justification (that wasn't so justifying), and finally deciding to put on my big girl panties (NOT granny panties...those are entirely different, I promise), I took my book back to Target. The lady asked me if there was anything wrong with it, and I simply replied (choosing to hold my tongue), "I just won't read it and would like to exchange it for something else." She didn't ask any other questions and happily handed me a gift card for just under $15 (Woo! half a pair of shoes!). I walked away feeling triumphant, and feeling that if my husband were in a similar situation...you know the ones I'm talking about, the "dark" side of the man world that most women hate. The side that makes us think men are pigs, don't respect us, and the side that keeps them wandering away from us as we try so hard to hold our relationships together. If my husband were to be in one of a million situations that are at his fingertips, and decide to walk away BECAUSE HE LOVES ME, I would be the happiest girl in the world.
So...about those shoes....I had a handful of "good" reasons to read the "Next Big Series", and actually had my hands on it before everyone else was over it. But I have a better reason to walk away. After spending years building my marriage, learning to love my husband, walking through a whole heck of a lot of crap together, and coming out stronger...I couldn't bring myself to start digging a huge hole and pretend that I wasn't. I put myself in my husband's shoes and thought about how furious I would be, out of hurt, if he were reading a slutty novel about...whatever men can imagine to write a slutty novel about. I would feel inadequate, I would want to know what he was reading so I would know what he was "expecting". I would be jealous, I would be hurt, and I would question his motives (and a million other things because that's what I do). And regardless of his answers, I wouldn't believe him and I would lose a little bit of trust, a little bit of my best friend, and a small part of myself. Seems a little extreme, but it's as much of the truth as possible.
I can't pray for a godly husband starting at the age of 14, drag my husband to counseling because "you're kind of sucking right now", and cry that he just doesn't get it if 1.) I'm not willing to also "stop sucking at marriage" and 2.) I'm not willing to sacrifice just as much as I expect him to sacrifice. Our marriage is not always about giving things up, but it IS always about making choices that help us grow together.
I wasn't planning to blog about this whole ordeal, but I wasn't satisfied with just returning my book. Just after getting back to my car, I checked facebook before heading back home and saw this blog post shared by a friend. It not only covers the book I had just taken back, but also a new movie coming out. I won't even go there on the movie....but reading a man's perspective of Christian women running after the same things we say we devote our life to staying away from (sin, temptation) as followers of Christ, it confirmed my own convictions. If I could spend a day with Jesus, in the flesh, would I spend it reading Shades of Gray? Or telling Him about what I read? I can think of a thousand other things to do instead.
I don't quite have 50 pairs of shoes (at least I don't THINK I do??), but I love my shoes. I have shoes for every occasion I could need shoes for,
in a variety of colors and heel heights. The one thing they
have in common....they're all mine. When I took the time to try walking in my husband's shoes....I saw different things and even similar things, from a very different perspective. My curiosity didn't matter anymore, I chose to respect what I already have instead of fantasizing about anything else. There is a fine line between growing together and growing apart. And if we aren't intentionally making wise choices that lead us closer to our husband....we can only be making choices that pull us away from him. It's not all on the man to keep the relationship together. It takes two to tango....and I'd rather tango for real with who I have, than read about someone else, and wish I had something else.
I'm not writing this to condemn anyone. I hope to inspire others to think about why they do the things they do. I hope to spark something in Christian woman that encourages them to stand with me, away from the crowd, and decided where we draw the line. In my attempts to avoid a "cheesy Christian" label or lifestyle, I see the sticky path that comes from being "reachable" and "identifiable" to more than one small crowd of girls at church. Jesus spent his time with those who needed Him most, and I want to do the same....but it doesn't mean I have to act like them. It means I have to be MORE intentional to act like Christ. We don't have to preach at every person we see. If we live our lives with integrity, make wise choices, and trust God to His part....our part will be sufficient, it will be good, and it will be faithful. That's all He asks of us. Love Him, Love others.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres. Love never fails..." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7,8
"Intimacy is seeing what is TRULY on the inside of a person (which can only be discovered face to face over long periods of time such as what you experience in marriage). Be careful not to mistake INTENSITY or INTIMACY. Intensity fades as the newness wears off, but intimacy continues to blossom the longer you know a person.....
"Even if you convince yourself that you would never act on the fantasies that include someone outside of your marriage, remember that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), and HIS heart breaks when yours is divided, even in only in your fantasies."
-Shannon Ethridge, author
Every Woman's Battle
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