All together now...."Awwww!" Isn't that so sweet? What makes this so amazing is that it's not like my husband to do something like this. Wait. Let me rephrase; it wasn't like my husband to do this. Remember that whole "working on my marriage" thing? Well, as you can see, I'm not the only one working on it. It sure is easier when both parties are trying to make a relationship work! This letter represents one of the many changes that have happened between myself and my husband over the last year. We have learned a few important lessons since we reached a breaking point in our relationship and those lessons include the following:
-Affirmation is important.
-Respect goes a long way
-Sometimes you really do just have to bite your tongue
Affirmation: Your spouse doesn't always know what makes you tick. When you tell them only by giving orders, it doesn''t have the same effect as telling them when something they did on their own actually worked. For example, "YOU NEVER HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!'" Isn't quite as effective as "Thanks for putting your dishes in the dishwasher to help keep the kitchen clean!" Or "when I do the dishes and clean the house and then you come home and just drop your stuff all over the place and put your plate in the sink instead of the dishwasher....it makes me feel like you didn't even notice that I cleaned all afternoon OR that you don't care that I did it, even though you complain when I don't." The last statement is a more practical version of the middle statement. But we try both in our house...and let's be honest...if you come at the right time, you can witness all three!
Respect: I'm not talking about the "Yes, sir, whatever you say, sir" kind of respect. Although, I am a traditionalist (is that a word...?) and believe the husband should be the head of the household. But that's for another time. Respecting your spouse is about thinking of your words before you say them. It's also about seeing their side of things even if you don't agree. When you respect your spouse, you trust that their intentions are good, even if they don't make any sense to you at all. You know, like the time your husband comes home and says he thinks it's time to buy a new truck....after you dedicated "how much" time and energy to paying off your cars so you wouldn't have as much debt. He's not trying to slap you in the face and say that all that effort you put into restraining your credit card purchases was for nothing...he's simply bringing up a new idea and probably had no idea you would take it so negatively. And yes, we bought the truck and she's very pretty. ;)
On biting your tongue: If you're a loaded fireball behind a school girl smile like me, you know this one is tough! One of the biggest lessons I've learned in my life is that you don't have to "talk it out" with everything under the planet and every little "mistake" or "disagreement" or sad feeling doesn't have to turn into a "Come to Jesus" party. Learning to discern my emotions and also to properly display them is something I honestly think I will work on for the rest of my life. It's so much easier to throw a fit about something or yell harsh words out of anger, sadness, or offense than it is to do that whole respect and trust thing, and just let the situation sink in before I respond. Maybe you've heard the saying, life and death is in the power of the tongue...The Message Bible says it like this, in Proverbs 18:21:
"Words kill, words give life;
they're either poison or fruit - you choose"
I can say first hand that it's absolutely true! Which way our life takes us isn't always up to us. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. What we have complete power over, is how we respond to those situations, and how we respond to the people that are in those situations with us. Whether they're the protagonist or the antagonist, the characters in our life are subjective to our response. And that response can be whatever we choose.
Everyday, I'm more and more grateful that my husband and I both made the choice to choose love. To choose the fight over the flight and to figure out how to make things work together, as opposed to trading each other in for something new. I never knew that marriage would be what it is, and am just now understanding the phrases I've heard about it being "the hardest thing I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for the world". I'm sure having kids will be the same kind of roller coaster ride and I can only pray that we have the wisdom to make the same choices we have in our family of two that we'll face in our family of 3 or 5 or whatever it may be.
This blog post is a little deep compared to my other posts thus far, but it's on my heart like a brick. Affirm the ones you love! Respect the ones who promised to ride life's roller coasters and jump its hurdles with you for the rest of your life, don't make it miserable for them. And count your blessings. Life doesn't always go how we plan, but if we're too busy complaining about what's wrong, we can completely miss all that's so so right.
And if you're like me and can't get an annoying song out of your head until you hear the whole darn thing, here you go!
What was the last thing you did for someone to show them that you loved them? What makes you feel the most loved or appreciated?
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