I've been MIA the last couple weeks and have a couple reasons why.
1. Lack of inspiration (of course...then this dumb song popped into my head)
2. Lack of organization (of my thoughts)
On the inspiration:
This song was released sometime in the 90s and I remember hearing it during my 6th or 7th grade year (I think). And my best friend at the time would sing it to me and just laugh and laugh. She would talk about the fact that a green dress was a dumb thing on your list of things to buy and we contemplated the house you could actually buy for a million dollars (well...less than a million actually, after you take out money for the dress...and other things mentioned in the song that I currently can't remember).
The whole song is about the many things a man would do for his girlfriend if he had a million dollars. And the last few days, his empty promises have been stuck in my head. Why? Well, because....:
So many times in my life I have thought, "If xyz were this way or that way....then abc would look like this or like that." Okay, that's a handful of variables for one sentence...but isn't that what we do? We imagine that if our own life was more like our ideal life, then we would be better friends, better spouses, better parents...or better to our parents (eh hem). And we say that if things were different we would be happier, or more giving, or more fill-in-the-blank. But I just don't think that's true.
I've been married almost 6 years and remember thinking with my husband about what we could do when we were making more money. Guess what....we're making more money and we haven't necessarily done those things. But it's not just money.
I think that when I'm a mom, my life will feel more complete and, maybe then, I'll finally reconcile with my own mother.
I think that when I have my degree, life will be full and I'll feel more valuable to my husband and myself.
I think that when I stop working for other people in their homes, that I'll be more respected and not treated like (or feel like) "the help" when I pick up or tend to another woman's child.
I think that I fill my mind with ridiculous excuses to not live a happy, full, respectable life now. And I don't even do it on purpose.
I KNOW that I'm valuable now, that I'm happy now, and that life won't better because I add more "things" to it. I won't say it won't be more complete without children because I believe that to my core...but I admit it may not be as true as I want it to be. Because as amazing as they are, and as happy as I will be to finally, one day, have my own family...I can't expect them to fill a hole in my life...not past the extend of simply being my own family.
Am I making sense?
We put things off. Our dreams, our hopes, our happiness...because we think we need something else to make it possible. But the reality is this: either we are scared, or hopeless. Either we know it can be done, but don't really want to experience it badly enough to just go for it (and go through it)....or we don't really think it's possible.
But all things are possible:
Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."
Mark 9:23 the message
So when we want something for ourselves, or for someone else...there are not "if"s. Either we want it and we do it. Or we pretend to want it and we don't do a darn thing. Which will you choose for your own circumstance? Do you really want a change in your life? Or do you just like to complain about it? This is my life. I can take it and run with it and do exactly what I want with it...or I can sit around and watch it evolve on it's own and throw hysterical fits when it doesn't do what I want it to.
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disclaimer: this is not the original music video because I couldn't find it, but it works.
On the lack of organization:
I started this blog as a process of personal expression, healing, and discovery. Through my writing, I learn more about myself, my circumstances, and the people around me.
Like a lot of people, refection through writing gives me a sense of balance and calm. I hoped to find that calm, in writing online, so that others may sense a similar felling through my own experiences.
That being said, I have a million things to share (with the world and with myself) but don't have the slightest clue how to get where I want to be from where I am in this little tiny blogspot on the ever-expansive world wide web.
I have a story. A big one. Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's incredibly happy...and I want to share it. The problem? Well...it's mine. So it's personal and it's intimate and it's emotional. And while sharing all of it was (and still is) my goal in blogging...and someday in writing a book (or seven...) it's hard to get started (thus the million dollars) and difficult to put in words for someone else to read and understand. And I don't want to be judged. I think that's the bottom line. I put on a big girl front, but no one likes to feel negative feelings.
In addition to starting this blog to share my life, I intended on keeping it positive and encouraging to myself and to my readers. But the truth is, sometimes life just sucks and there's nothing positive or encouraging about situations when you're right in the middle of them! So....while I can try shedding light on some very dark history, I refuse to be a black hole in the online universe. Hopefully I figure it out soon. I'm anxious to get back on here and what has been holding me back is the fact that it's time to move on.
My blog is up and running....time to take it where I intended....or get off the track.
Hopefully I'll be back soon! (Like tomorrow?)
What are you holding onto in your life? What needs to be done that you're putting off until you "have a million dollars"?
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