"i've settled for less, but i'm ready for more"

There was a time I packed my dreams away

living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid

thought I'd reached the end, baby that was then

 But I am made of more than my yesterdays

I had to decide was I gonna play it safe

or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide

And find the strength to take that step of faith

But I have a courage like never before

I've settled for less, but I'm ready for more 

ready for more... 

This song has been on repeat in my car all day today.  I purposely left out the chorus above.  The verses are my anthem these days.  As mentioned before, I've come from a place of making life altering decisions that have led me to day in and day out motivation and purpose.  Today, I realized it's time to take that step of faith and prepare myself for what is ahead of me.  

I read a friend's blog today about your brook drying up.  What he talked about was feeling that you are in the right place and the right time and everything is in your favor, until suddenly...it starts to unravel and your resources dry up, because it's time to move on.  In reading those words, I realized that some of my own resources are drying up.  And something else I realized is this: a lot of times I know it's time to change something in my life, but I don't do it because I'm scared.  Soon after...things unravel quickly and ugly and I'm left in a tornadic event of my life falling to pieces.  While that may sound a little more dramatic than necessary...it's my most accurate depiction of my feelings in certain situations!

Something I have thought of lately is how my life used to feel as opposed to how it feels now.  Have you ever seen a fish swimming around in a bowl?  Everything is perfectly clear, Fishie is in control of his own movements and all is still.  Right?

Now.  Have you ever seen a toilet flush?  You know...that hurricane that you see take place just before all flushes down the drain?  With or without the...er...crap...we can all picture it right?

Now combine the two...Fishie swimming along just peachy and then all of sudden the bowl that everyone spectates his life through is full of crap.  He is swirling all over the place and eventually all is flushed down the drain.  Sometimes I wait to long to make a change and suddenly I'm in a whirlwind of emotions and events that seem out of my control, while everyone just...watches through the glass.

This image reminds me of another song, and older one, that says "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end...it doesn't even matter."

This is what my life was like.  Everything was swirling all around me and I couldn't tell which way was up.  It started slow and gradually increased until I felt that I was in a sound proof room screaming at the top of my lungs with no one able to hear me.

I remember a very vivid moment pulling into my garage and breaking down in uncontrollable tears.  All I could manage to communicate was "WHY?!" questions and "WHERE ARE YOU?!" to God.  I was completely broken.  My life had shattered and it wasn't until later that I realized all my expectations were just that.  They were mine.  My life consisted of what I wanted it to, or strived for it to consist of.  While I believed in God and prayed for His will...I was blind to what that meant: sacrificing my own.

Many years ago, I heard a message from a youth pastor while on a retreat with my church.  His message was about the "you you" and the "screw you".  He talked about the battle between self and spirit and between our conscious mind and our knowledge of what is right or good or holy.  The "you you" is the you that God created, who knows Him and who wants to please Him.  The "screw you" is just as it sounds...the part of you that screws over the rest of you.  This is the "you" that gives into peer pressure, that tells you that you are worthless, and who turns a perfectly good life into one of selfish ambitions.

My life was controlled by the "screw you" and I didn't even realize it until I reached my breaking point.  I know all of this sounds "super spiritual", which I actually kind of dislike, but here it is on a more normal level:

I've mentioned before that my marriage has drastically changed since I learned to look out for my husband's interests and well being as much as (or more than....on a good day) my own.  Well, that "theory" applies in all areas of our lives.

No matter the relation, any person I cross paths with deserves my pure interaction with them absent of judgment or expectation.  I've learned that creating an image of my "perfect life' in my head won't give me that life.  It isn't until I surrender my own desires completely, that I truly live the life I want.  

The lyrics above are my personal anthem and realization that it IS time to move forward.  My brook has dried up in a somewhat new area of my life and God has bigger and better things for me.  It's scary up ahead, I have no idea what's in front of me...but that's where faith comes in.

I worry about confusing faith with a lack of wisdom, but in Matthew 6: 33-34, the bible says:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, 

and all these things will be given to you as well.  

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself.  

Each day has enough trouble of its own."

                                          Matthew 6: 33-34 

Now is my time; time to move forward, to continue to obtain the once unobtainable and to push on toward my goals.

"This is my now.  I am breathing in the moment.  I look around, I can't believe the love I see.  My fears behind me, gone are the shadows of doubt.  This is my now."

I like that this is a raw version of her song.  She's crying through the whole thing.  It's even more inspirational to me...even when you're all tears...just keep going.  Who you're going to be is amazing.

"I had to fall, to lose it all...but in the end it doesn't even matter."