I have a million decisions to make that all effect each other and all need to be finalized at the same time and I'm almost to a place where I'd rather just sit back with my arms crossed and let it all just fall into place. The problem? I'm a control freak who is terrified that stepping back even for a second, will make everything around me fall apart.
My biggest upcoming decision is whether or not to continue working while in school. The next is where to go to school. My second dilemma can hold off for another year, but only if I make up my mind about working. There are more, but just considering putting them in a list feels overwhelming.
Today, I found a new university to scope out; it has a lot of promising incentives. One of those incentives....free tuition! Um, yes, please! I've officially applied to my first university (once this transcript release form is faxed out tomorrow morning) and I couldn't be more excited. I know deep down that there are a lot of things that have to fall into place for this to work. And I feel like I'm riding on crossed fingers and wishes and silent prayers. But if that's what it takes to get where I want to be in my life....then I'll hang on as long as I possibly can.
Providing things for myself that I've always wanted but couldn't reach, is a new thing for me. I've made a handful of decisions this last year that have my every single day jam- packed with purpose and motivation. All of this started the day I decided I would put myself through school, no matter the cost.
I love being able to find this inside of myself. For years, I lived a sad and depressed life without even realizing how miserable I was! It wasn't until I reached a breaking point in my marriage that I discovered just how broken I was. Most of my issues in my relationship with one of my favorite people...was because of me, not because of him. Sure, he's not perfect...but he's also not Superman. All of my needs can't be met in one person. I've learned this the hard way, and since, have started finding out exactly what it is that I want or need...and making it happen for myself.
I grew up in a home where dad gave Mom whatever she wanted. She refused to work, bought what she wanted when she wanted it, ignored her "home-schooled' children to attend to her own agenda, and if mom wasn't happy, no body was happy. While I never wanted to end up like her, I found myself, about a year ago, developing the same expectations of my own husband: minimal effort on my part, a knight in shining armor on his part....and everything on my wish list provided at the snap of a finger. I'm not sure how deliberate my behavior was. Just because I didn't notice it, doesn't mean he didn't. But, I can't even begin to say how happy I am that I've said goodbye to that girl and hello to someone new.
Of course, now I battle with being too independent and my husband trying to "help me out" any way he possibly can, despite my defiance. Eventually I'll find balance, but for now, we're doing just fine and I'm continuing to reach the once unattainable. Hubby is much more helpful than he realizes, simply because he is supportive.
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